3 Habits That Will Improve Your Marriage#1: Validate first, problem solve later

In my work as a psychologist, I see examples every day of relationships slowly dying — and occasionally exploding. While tragic, these examples give me some insight into what causes marriages to fail. And with a little reverse engineering, they also shed light on how we might strengthen and improve our relationships. Here are 3 simple habits that will improve your marriage:

1. Validate first, problem-solve later By far the biggest mistake I see people make in their relationships is getting stuck in problem-solving mode. When we’re stuck in problem-solving mode, we immediately respond to anything difficult or painful as if it was a problem: We analyze, judge, dissect, compare, evaluate, and interrogate. And while all of these problem-solving approaches are helpful if you’re building a bridge or solving an equation, they tend to backfire when applied to people. While your intentions are probably good, treating people’s struggles like a problem is invalidating. It makes them feel like it’s not okay for them to have the problem or that they should be able to fix it immediately. And for someone who’s struggling or upset, feeling bad about feeling bad is a recipe for defensiveness, communication breakdowns, and long-term relationship trouble. Marriage is a journey filled with ups and downs, but it can be immensely rewarding when you invest time and effort into nurturing it. The key to a strong and lasting marriage often lies in the daily habits and practices that couples adopt. Here are three habits that can significantly improve your marriage and strengthen your bond: 1. Effective Communication Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy and thriving marriage. It involves not just talking but also active listening. When couples communicate openly, honestly, and respectfully, they can address issues, express their feelings, and better understand each other's needs. Here are some communication habits that can benefit your marriage: Active Listening: Make a conscious effort to truly listen to your partner when they speak. Put away distractions and focus on what they're saying. Expressing Feelings: Share your thoughts and emotions with your partner. Open and honest conversations can help both of you understand each other better. Conflict Resolution: Disagreements are inevitable in any marriage. Practice resolving conflicts calmly and respectfully, focusing on finding solutions rather than winning arguments. 2. Quality Time Together In today's fast-paced world, it's easy for couples to get caught up in their individual lives, from work commitments to personal interests. However, it's essential to make time for each other. Quality time strengthens the emotional connection and intimacy in your marriage. Here's how to do it: Date Nights: Schedule regular date nights where you can enjoy each other's company without the distractions of everyday life.

Shared Hobbies: Find activities or hobbies that you both enjoy and can do together. It could be as simple as cooking a meal together, going for a walk, or taking up a new hobby as a couple. Unplugged Time: Set aside time where both of you put away your devices and focus on being present with each other. 3. Appreciation and Gratitude Expressing appreciation and gratitude towards your spouse can go a long way in creating a positive and loving atmosphere in your marriage. Taking each other for granted is a common pitfall in long-term relationships. To foster appreciation and gratitude, try the following habits: Daily Affirmations: Take a moment each day to express your love and appreciation for your partner. A simple "I love you" or "I'm grateful for you" can brighten their day. Random Acts of Kindness: Surprise your spouse with small gestures of kindness, like a love note, a thoughtful gift, or helping with household chores. Acknowledging Efforts: Recognize and praise your partner's efforts, whether it's related to their career, parenting, or personal development. In conclusion, a successful marriage is built on a foundation of good habits. By practicing effective communication, spending quality time together, and showing appreciation and gratitude, you can strengthen your connection and create a more fulfilling and enduring partnership. Remember that every marriage is unique, and it may take time to develop these habits, but the effort is well worth it in the end.